The Island of Lost Boys

There seems to exist a common burden among nearly all men employed as merchant mariners; the crushing weight of the disintegration of personal relationships and the slow degradation of mental and emotional wellness. It should not come as a shock as, much like prisoners, these men have been separated from all that enriches life. Their condition seems to be comorbid with an outright denial of the operation of this process.

Never have I experienced fear, loneliness, frustration, and aggression as palpable as that displayed by my shipmates. The desperation and deep depression are thinly veiled by a perpetual struggle for power and for recognition of the victors of this battle; those who have achieved the highest level of masculinity and domination. The war is justified by a general acceptance that ‘this is how it is in the business.’

This tiny floating microcosm could not more accurately illustrate man’s failure to govern himself or to institute and protect any system of equity.

I have an arbitrary hypothesis that, were psychological testing performed on a set of ten men immediately before and after one month in prison and upon another set of ten preceeding and following a one month stint on a towing vessel, the results of the two data sets, having had their labels removed, would be nearly indistinguishable. Both environments force a subjective loss of personal power and individuality which, when combined with a mind-numbing sense of monotony, creates psychological trauma at levels that nearly always result in depression, anxiety, and aggression; all products of the route emotion that is fear.

M

What are your crutches made of?

Can’t you choose love every time?

I choose to love except when to do so is ridiculous. Sure, it may force a negative attitude sometimes but it maintains my illusion that I am an apostle of logic, which is my crutch, much as God is hers.

You are an apostle of logic?

Yes, as it guides me to the answers I seek, and she is an apostle of Jesus (Christ) of Nazareth, who was a human being who lived and died over 2,000 years ago. She lives for him and does everything in his name. Frankly, it seems to me to be the most overt form of psychosis possible. 

How is the so called delusion of God different from your logic?

I analyze and discover everything I possibly can so as to catalog it appropriately. Sometimes it is exhausting but the process allows me to cope with that which would otherwise destroy me. She buys into delusion, which is quick medicine but could eventually destroy her. I do not lie to myself because it is counterproductive; the veil falls eventually.

Can’t one process become the other?

Yes. Logical truth seeking can become self deception. Logic is a tool and can be used inappropriately for whatever ends your mind sees fit, especially when correlation is confused with causation. In the other direction, people who have committed to delusion can attempt to analyze a problem but only through the filter of their delusion, so yes and no. The former can occur more easily. The latter is less likely because, by definition, the experiencer cannot separate fact from fantasy.

Do you see value in what she’s doing?

In light of what I know of her troubled past and subsequent inability to cope in a healthy manner, I do. I will likely always believe that membership in an organized religion meets certain psychological needs. The need for inclusion, acceptance, and answers, based in fantasy and conjecture as they may be. The religion is a transplant for one’s internal locus of control and allows the mind to reap the benefits of decreased anxiety. As our reality is subjective and our functionality impacted primarily by that which we believe, I can accept the inherent value of organized religion for the aforementioned purposes. I cannot accept the validity of its claims or its misuse of power.

Dont you see what ‘giving it to God’ is? It is adopting an external locus of control. That is it; a very simple but powerful coping mechanism. It can be helpful but very destructive if applied indiscriminately. Give it to the complex environment in which we live may be more accurate, as I feel far more vulnerable to lightning than to God.

Is there inherent value in giving up control? What are the risks? Benefits? Giving it to an individual versus to a deity?

Relinquishing control can have immediate dangerous consequences. Granting control to a deity in a personal and exclusive way is far different from and far more benign than giving the same to a congregation, which is made of people with various motives. The latter is much more dangerous. The collective can move individuals to commit atrocious acts in the  name of the deity they follow. That being said, I don’t think she is at risk for that. She seems incapable of hurting anyone but herself. My worry is that someone in the congregation will take advantage of her fragile state. I don’t necessarily agree that giving up power to an individual, a collective, or to God are our only choices. There are innumerable spiritual frameworks that suggest you can relinquish power in other ways and to varying degrees. You can practice moderation with your own power while recognizing that it is yours. Having had first hand experience with the slippery slope that is the loss of functionality that accompanies extreme anxiety and depression, I recognize what she is doing as functionally relevant and productive. This may be her only choice in her eyes.

M